Tiredness, NERO, and packing

I lost weight, putting me back at 227.3, which is nice.

I'm so tired.  Jake is having depressive episodes, my husband wants me to stay home tonight, which isn't exactly feasible.  Yes, we leave tomorrow night for NERO, I'll just have to pack after class.  That is, if I don't have to stay home to deal with my child.

Se, Jake has severe depression issues, which is sad for an 11 year old.  Apparently I'm the cause of it; I had to quit my research project because I wasn't spending enough time with him and he was depressed.  Tonight is the only night of the week I could pick him up and have him but class is really important - but so is he, and I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

Time heals most wounds

I got some disturbing news this week, which I won't go into.  But the news has made me rethink how I feel about the situation.  During Spring Break next year I will be seeing this person.  I was tiny while we knew each other and it makes me - motivates me - to want to really be thin again - at least as thin as I can get in 4 months, I suppose.  I'm not really doing it for this person, I'm still doing it for me, but it's another catalyst to get and keep moving.

It's pretty widely known that Jason has a girlfriend in Texas, in the same city as this old friend lives in.  We get to see her too; I love her a lot and I really would like to be thin for her, too.  Not that I'm trying to compete with her, that's not how our relationship is, with Jason and with her.  But I would like to be pretty in case there's someone out there in Texas for me, too.  Don't judge me too harshly, internets.  I just feel like she can offer something to him that I can't, just as she offers something to me that he can't.  And we come home still secure and happy, which is all that really matters.

So, now that I'm off that potentially embarrassing tangent, I gained a little weight over the last few days.  I guess the daytime starvation thing wasn't really working, I'm not anorexic, I'm back to my shakes.  Though today was the first day I'd had two in one day.  This Adderall is also supposed to help with weight loss and appetite suppression, which may be good for me on the weekends and at night.  Plus, Adderall is like a wonder drug for serious.  I've never been able to focus like I am now.  I just hope it's weight loss side effect is one that I experience.

Adding to all of this, Jason asked Don, our roommate to help him lose weight over the NERO break.  Don says Jason is going to hate him, but I tell you that if it helps him lose then I'm happy.  It's not an issue with attractiveness; I love Jason and I'm attracted to other attributes than physical ones.  I just worry about his health.  Adding to all this, I would really like to not have to buy two seats for both of us on the airplane when we do travel to DFW in the spring.  Either that, or I have to drive.

I guess I should close until next entry, which may be next week or before that if something significant happens.

Happy trails, non-readers.  And readers, if there's anyone out there actually looking at this.

Keep On Keeping On

So, this is the last blog post required by my class.  Actually, I think the last one was.

I'm going to keep the blog.  Someday, it'll be interesting to read back and see how I felt each step on my way.  So the blog stays, even though no one except me will be reading it.

I gained a little weight and finally told Jason about the not eating during the day and I got a lecture on how this is a Bad Idea.  So, I'll move back into my shake thing.  Even though all I had for breakfast was super sweet coffee.  CALORIES!

Weekends are the hardest.  No one wants to cook.  Well, not on the weekdays only.  But it leaves Jason cooking all the time because I am at class when things don't go wrong (and this semester, they have been) and I'm really afraid that I'll fail this paper because my shaping plan did NOT work out like I meant it to.  I gave in too many times, didn't watch what I was doing half the time and it wasn't because I wanted to not adhere to the plan, I really did.  I just...I don't know.  Maybe I just don't have the self-discipline I had when I was in the military.  I gotta get that back somehow.

Like my title, I just have to keep on keeping on and keeping up with this.  My dad has the diabetes, I had gestational diabetes while pregnant.  I don't need to end up the same way, even though my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are fine (as learned when a full-fledged panic attack sent me to the hospital overnight because it was thought I was having a heart attack).  I just need to be careful.

I know I'm not morbidly obese

Only the government BMI says I am.  So, maybe I am.  Who knows.  I'm 5'4", I weigh 227 ( I lost .7 pounds from yesterday) so my BMI is out of this world.  Not more than some women, but I still feel badly about myself.

As I said before, I've altered my shaping plan.  I'm UNDER 1200 a day now, I'm hoping that will do the trick since the whole idea of the plan is to lose weight.  And I have.  And people say they can see it, but all I see in the mirror is this disgusting figure who will never be beautiful again.

Those people on Survivor don't get a lot of food and they lose weight.  Who's to say that doing it myself won't help me lose weight?  All bodies are different, after all.  If I could, I'd go the entire dau without eating.  I wonder how long I could go without no one noticing.  After all, only one person reads - or will read - this blog.  Jason doesn't even know about it, thankfully.

Yes, I could skip meals for a day, maybe two, maybe three - I did it in the Army because I was so afraid to gain weight I did nothing but dance and eat as little as possible (even though I was in Italy and sometimes indulged in the OMG good food they had there) and weighed at most 105 pounds.  The Army beats into you that thin is good and if you gain weight they'll kick you out.  I'm 5th generation military and was scared to death that I would get kicked out and humiliated.

However, no matter how much I would love to skip a whole day or more without eating anything to speed my weight loss process up and stay under my shaping plan's caloric cut-offs for the day, Jason would surely notice me not eating at night or on the weekends.

I'd start running again, but my joints and kneed can't handle it.  Plus, I have nowhere to run - I live on one of the busier roads in Lilburn, and to add to that, I don't want people making fun of the fat girl running.  No time to join a gym - I have work, I have school, Jason has school when I don't.  There's just no time unless I get up at 4 to go to a gym down the street to get enough time to make it to the MARTA to get to work by 8 or earlier if I have to make up time.  I do have weights but I'm afraid to do lifting and have it put weight on me, then I'll get discouraged and maybe even quit.

I feel stuck even though I've lost 30 pounds in total.  I don't feel like I look any thinner at all.  And that in itself is discouraging.

But don't worry about me - I'm still going to eat once a day, I'm just cutting out my calories during the day and eating at night.  I probably won't go over my 1200 which is good, I suppose, but I'm planning on eating tonight.

Loss

I lost .2.7 pounds in a day.  That means I'm down to 227.3 - I haven't been in the 220s in as long as I can remember.  This means that since I started my weight loss plan (not the shaping plan) I've lost 29.7 pounds and I have 117.3 left to my goal.

I've gone two days with eating noting during the day and taking in food/calories in the evening.  I'm not really trying to hide my eating habits, but I don't want to worry Jason unnecessarily.  I'm sure the dinner I'm eating makes up the 1200, but it's hard to judge and record calories when it's a recipe and some of the ingredients don't have caloric information.

I think the not eating during the day is really helping my shaping plan.

I wonder

Can one be anorexic even if they're overweight?  I can feel it creepy back up on me from when I was thin and on one hand, I kept weight off, on the other, I'm afraid of where this might go.

I sadly didn't make it through my day without eating.  When I got home Jason had ordered Chinese for me and I coulnd't get around not eating it, so I did.  Let's see if today is any better.

And the scale yesterday was 234, today it was 232.  Maybe there's something to my new shaping plan.

Looks Like We Made It

I made it through breakfast and lunch with no food at all.  Let's see if I can make it through the rest of the evening with a minimal amount of such.

Can't exceed calories for a day if I don't consume any.

Everything's Cool As Long as I'm Getting Thinner

I have no idea if I read that right, but I think my scale said 226 today.  That is amazing to me, especially since I haven't been eating well.  I went to the scale on our 26th floor and it said 231, so who knows, that scale is always off.

I learned something - as long as I'm doing something to take my mind off it, I can eat nothing an entire day and not be fazed (sp).  I wasn't hungry all day and wasn't hungry the day after, either.  Which makes me wonder if I can get by not eating at all.  Well, a little bit, but not a lot by normal standards.

The Ice is Getting Thinner

But I am not.

I've said it before but my shaping plan has gone awry and I really need to get back on track with that.  I will get back on it tomorrow and post more information tomorrow.

Can't We Try

This is a disaster.  A stupidly stupid disaster.  I wish I had more to say but I can't; I've been doing the shake only for lunch religiously but I go downhill on the weekends and some weeknights.

However, I'm still hovering around 231-233.  I feel appreciative of that.

Alphabet Soup

So, I was able to stay 150 under calories yesterday and I lost about a pound, which is good.  Maybe by next week I can lose all 3 I gained over the weekend and into the beginning of the week.

I'm trying really hard not to obsess over my weight.  I'm trying to forget and throw myself into school work type stuff.  And memorizing that stupid Oath of Nobility for NERO (the LARP I play).

Just Another Nervous Wreck

Not much to say today.  I missed my blog post on Monday, but I'm still within the week so I'm hoping this works.

I gained 3 pounds over the last 4 days.  Not too bad considering I've been eating horribly.  Haven't been sticking to this plan at all.  I either need to adjust this plan or I need to find a way to overcome my issues with the eating in the first place.

I'm back on the horse, as it were - I'm only drinking the shakes again and all of that, but once the weekend comes it's like all bets are off.  I have to really start working on that, better than I have been on the weekends.

Pithy Post Titles

I have forgotten to use them.  Stupid me.  Look, I'm just trying to make this interesting, okay?

At any rate, my weight is fluctuating.  I can totally see the correlation between what and how much I eat with gains or losses. I lost 2 pounds as of this morning - I'm back down to 230 (hey, don't judge, I know I'm heavy) and since I started this shaping plan/class project, I've lost 20 pounds, and since I started dieting before that, I've lost 27 pounds.  Which is good, right?  Only 120 to go.

I'm trying to get to 110.  I know it's a long way to go, right?  But I started at 157 amd I've lost some weight, so that's good.  I'm glad to not be in the 150s or even the 140s anymore.  To the people that say 110 is too small, they have to remember that I have this small frame and the extra weight is breaking my joints down.  My back hurts all the time because I am now so top heavy, if you get my drift.  I was 98 pounds when I joined the Army and I was 100 when I got out.  I wish I could go to 100 but my husband says he'll intervene at that point.

As for the shaping plan, which I think I should actually be talking about, I think it goes well sometimes and sometimes it doesn't.  Night before last I went over the 1250 which made me feel bad, but no one wanted to cook, so I had little alternative.  I ate dinner on my way home from class last night but I still stayed under 1250.  I guess I missed my mark this week by going over, so I can't go over this weekend.  Let's see if I can actually do it.

I don't even know if I'm doing this plan correctly.  I guess I should call Dr. Kelly and ask him if I am.  I think I'm supposed to be reinforcing the behavior (the 1250 calorie weight loss extravaganza) but I don't know if it's the 1250 I'm supposed to be staying under for the plan or the actual weight loss.  If it's the weight loss, I'm right on target; if not, and it's the calories vs. the reward of having a cheat day - well, I did fine last week but I can't say the ame for past weeks.  The haping plan itself didn't start until recently, so maybe I'm doing better than I thought.

Let's hope I get through the weekend without going over.  It's like The Price is Right - see how close you can get without going over!  Except the prize if you win is not being such a fat girl.  That's a nice price and all, but I don't know that I can keep up with this for the long haul.  I hope so.  I know I'll probably need more calories as I get thinner - if I get thinner - so I don't know how it'll go.  I'm almost afraid I'm going anorexic again, but I think you have to be thin to categorize that in that way.  I do know that I'm obsessing about what I eat and I feel guilty if I eat solid food more than once a day, which is rarely happening these days.  My weight is becoming an obsession and this probably wasn't the best topic for a behavioral modification plan.  But I don't drink, don't smoke (what do you do), I sleep well, I go to classes, I have very little vice in my life and I couldn't think of anything else.  I guess I just have to remember that I started trying to lose this weight before I got into this class and got handed this assignment.  All will be well.  As Lily Allen says, "everything's cool long as I'm getting thinner".  Problem is, I'm taking pictures pretty much every Friday, and I'm not seeing a marked improvement, except that I can no long wear 24s, which were too big to begin with by just a tiny bit, now they're trying to fall down.  Well, I guess that's something.  But I won't really be happy - at least I know in my heart I won't be - until I'm a size 1 or 3 again.  So much easier to buy clothes that aren't tent-like, mom-jeanish, or tall.  Everyone assumes big girls are also tall.  I am not.  So it's hard to find pants and while I can sew, I have no idea how to hem.

I should probably shut up now.  See you on Monday!

I gained 4 pounds.  I know it was because I ate REALLY badly this weekend - we had our 10 year anniversary and we went to Maggianos then sat on the roll out couch and watched "This is the End" with M&Ms and Cheerwine.  And he wanted WAHO, so off we went on Friday.

I can definitely now see the cause and effect of my eating.  I guess I'm just doomed to be always vigilant about what I eat lest I gain weight.

I don't know how well this shaping plan is coming along.  I caved and had coffee this morning, which means sugar, which means I can't track it.  I was way under calories yesterday - I had 805 left.  I know that's not good for me, but again, I've become obsessed with my weight, so I'm almost happy for the deficit.

I'm joining the company gym which should possibly offer some help.

I went to NERO and I'm not sure if I went over calories or not, I couldn't count them, but I did get a lot of exercise running around.  So I think I was okay and not cheating.

I did gain a half a pound, so who knows what happened there.

I feel so hungry right now, but maybe that's because I didn't have my afternoon shake yet.

It Feels Like Friday

I keep getting confused.

I completely reworked my shaping plan - taking out music and exercise, and it got approved.  That makes it easy for NERO/Folks this weekend.  I really wish there wasn't class tonight, I have so much to do to get ready for this event that I feel like I'm scrambling worse than an egg.  But as this is a weight loss blog, I'm not going to bore anyone with those details.

NERO will be good exercise.  I walk lots and run lots and generally cast from the front lines.  So hopfully that will balance out whatever I take in, make Sunday a cheat day, and go from there.

Summer's Gone

I lost 2 pounds in 1 day.  I don't know what I'm doing correctly, if it's the calorie deficit, the water, or the green tea caplets I'm taking, but it's slowly coming on, even with the over-deficit.  It almost makes me want to eat less.

I finally exercised.  I walked at lunch on Monday, got here to work early in the morning to walk 30 minutes in the halls, and walked 35 minutes this morning.  So there's that.

Still only drinking breakfast and lunch and eating a dinner.  It's still keeping me under 1200 calories for the most part.

Water, Water Everywhere

I'm sort of convinced that my water consumption correlates to my weight loss.  I gained 3 pounds over the weekend and drank hardly any water; I drink my half gallon jug yesterday and I lose2.9 pounds.

I guess I need to get a jug for home so I can monitor that as well.  Only 125.9 pounds to go!  That's daunting.  The app I use says that if I keep going like I am I'll be down to 225 in 5 weeks.  I guess that's my short term goal.

Now to go do my lunch walk.  NERO's coming, gotta have a cheat day/weekend.

Monday, Monday

I'm a little depressed.  I stayed under my calorie content - I was sure to do that - but I still gained 3 pounds over the weekend.  I guess it goes to show that no matter if I stay under goal, the I'll still gain weight if I eat at a fast food place.

I feel dumb and the eating out wasn't worth it at all.

I downloaded 3 fitness magazines onto my Nook, maybe they have some insight.  Maybe I'm just not taking in enough and it's catching up to me weight wise.  I don't know what else to do.

It's Friday, I'm in Love

Down to 236 for first time in recent months.  It's been a long time.  My measurements are for the most part getting smaller, so at least I know it's coming from somewhere, right?

I may adjust the experiment.  I think I still have some time to work on my shaping paper.

Two Posts in One Day

I'm wondering if I should take the exercise component out of this experiment.  I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail, here.

I don't know if I'll be under calories because I'm making my chicken soup casserole for both my family and a second one for a friend.  I had a turkey burger today for lunch because I forgot my protein shake, which should count as my "solid" food for today and just drink my protein shake, but I'm so hungry that I'll probably give in to the cheesy goodness that is my casserole.  I don't know, though.  Maybe I need to get on the treadmill to offset the calories but I don't know if it'll be enough to actually offset it or not.  It's 579 calories alone, 36g of fat, 1400g of sodium, 20g of carbs; I really don't know that exercise alone would make it so that I'm not torpedoed by a weight gain.

I don't have a catchy title

I'm back down to 237.6.  Hopefully I'll be down below that tomorrow.  But that's the goal, right?

NERO is in 2 weeks.  I guess I have to be on the ball the whole week before because that is going to have to be a cheat weekend; none of the food is really good for you, plus we go socially to Folks on Sunday after the event.

I'm on the road to no cheating this weekend.  Even though my shaping plan hasn't been approved yet, I'm trying to keep to it.  I've just been so tired and my asthma is flaring up.  I haven't exercised at all, unless I count running for my train.  Which I don't, really.

Manic Monday

One of my professors says "correlation doesn't equal causation".  I think I disagree.

I went another weekend eating badly and I shot up to 242.6  You can't tell me there's no correlation between my gaining weight and the cause - my not staying under 1,250 a day for those 2 days.

I haven't started my shaping phase because I haven't gotten feedback on my proposal, so I took a cheat day.  Or two, really.  I really need to get on this, because I feel really crappy for gaining all that back.

Spooky (Friday the 13th)

I'm down a little more.  I know I probably shouldn't weigh every day, but it's part of my data for the class, so I'm doing it.  I'm down to 238.6.

I'm taking pictures in the mirror every Friday and I don't see a marked improvement, even though I've lost about 18 pounds total since I started this (even when I was dieting a bit before I started this experiment).  I also don't understand that even though I'm losing weight, why I'm not measuring any smaller in the waist and hips and bust.

The Numbers Game

I broke the 230s.  This hopefully looks to be working.

Hungry

I read an article on Cracked once about how if you were going to try to lose weight you had to be prepared to be hungry.  Then there are other articles about how you're never supposed to be hungry.  I don't know which one it is.

Somedays, staying under the calorie goal is simple.  I'm not hungry.  Other days it's like the hardest thing in the world to accomplish.  I guess that happens more on the weekend.  I don't know if that makes sense or not.

I worry that at 1200-1250 that I'm not getting enough, but my tracker does say that I'll be down the 10 pounds in 5 weeks if I continue to eat like I do.  So am I in starvation mode?  All the stupid things like WebMD say I need to cut down to 1200-1250.

Maybe this all stems from the fact that I'm not really losing as fast as I'd like.  I'm still losing, it's just slow.  I wonder if the exercise thing has anything to do with it - I'm not exercising at all and I said I would at least 30 minutes a day.  I think that just adds to my calorie deficit and if I stick to the plan I have now, I'll have trouble making 1200 a day much less 1300-1400.  So I'm at a loss.

Should it be low protein?  Low fat?  Low carb?  Moderate this, moderate that?  There's so much out there.  A woman lost 89 pounds in a year on a high fat moderate protein diet.  Maybe I need to reach for that.

Tuesday's Gray and Wednesday, Too

I didn't update yesterday because I was home sick from work and I didn't even consider it.

After last weekend, where I didn't really record any calories, I finally got below 240 somehow.  I don't know how.  I'm back to 241 after it's caught up with me, but I'm still close to the 230s as opposed to the 250s so I don't care.

I met my calorie goal yesterday pretty much because I ate nothing until dinner.  I was just too sick to think about it.  I did get my protein shake things at Sam's Club so I have those and a peanut butter sandwich before I leave for school.  There's chicken for dinner but I kind of hope I don't need it.  Yes, I know I need to stay above 1200 calories at the least, but I'm afraid to eat anything when I'm trying to stay on track.  Afraid to eat too much of stuff, too many carbs, etc.

I wonder if I ate my protein shake meal replacement things (30 grams of protein per) twice a day and had a peanut butter sandwich on this wheat bread I'm using at night, then that would be enough?  I take a multivitamin.  I wonder that if it met my calorie requirements then I might see some improvement if I sustain myself on just these foods?

I have to come up with a rewards system for this paper next and I have no idea what to do.  I might do something with money, but I'm saving up money for this in game wedding plus grad school plus NERO once a month.  I guess I'll have to think of something.  Maybe seeing the weight drop off is a reward, but I don't think that's the rewards system the professor is quite talking about.

More later!

ETA 7:56 - I finished my tracker for the project.  Now to write up some data to hand in with my datasheet. And now I can stop being humiliated every time I fail at my goal.  Maybe that's what I need to do anyway.  I'd do it here but no one reads these.

Hard Habit to Break

I weighed in and lost just about 2 pounds from yesterday.  Which makes me feel good; I was under my calorie intake but I didn't exercise.  I just got home too late.

The hardest problem with a 1200 calorie diet is this:  after I've recorded part of my breakfast and all of my lunch (I know what I'm going to eat) I only have 721 left.  I have to try to get through the day to get to dinner, which who knows how many calories that will be?

I haven't even added the protein shake I'm about to drink for breakfast.  Add that, and...561 calories left.

I do think that maybe I'm becoming obsessive over my weight.  Losing the 2 pounds is a boost, but I hope I can stay on that downward trajectory.  The weekend will be the hardest part.

'Til Tuesday

Well, I didn't update on Monday, but it was a holiday.  I didn't even remember to update.

I pretty much let things go this weekend.  It was nice though I felt kind of guilty every time I "cheated".  Well, it's a new week, I start recording data, so let's see how this goes, shall we?

I supposed that - at least for this class -  that I should be writing longer posts.  It's just that it's early and I have no idea what to say.

I did get complained at by my best friend and my husband's best friend for restricting myself to 1200 calories, but if it's what I have to do, then it's what I have to do.

I think I mentioned it before, but I put up this little shrine in my cubicle to remind myself not to eat badly and to drink the water I'm supposed to.  I added the dress we're making for my LARP wedding - it's a 20 (that's the highest the pattern goes) and I'm a 22 at best, a 24 at worst.  So there's that.  Pictire of the dress is below:

I need to be able to fit into this thing.  Yeah, the wedding is far off (a year - married in August), but like any bride, I want to lose the weight to be "pretty", even if the wedding is just in role play.

Enough rambling for now, but hopefully I'll be able to stick to my plan and not fail miserably and embarrass myself in front of my professor when he sees my data.

Instututionalized

Well, not quite.  But I did spend a good chunk of time in the hospital this week, so I'm calling a mulligan on this one.  The news from my doctor wasn't the greatest, either - but I'm not going to die, that's a nice tidbit.

The project data isn't due until the 9th.  I'm going to restart, erase the data I have now, and somehow fix myself.

Another post Monday!  Weekend be damned, weight be damned.

The Great Defector

I fell off the proverbial wagon this weekend.  I was under the calorie limit on Saturday, even though what I are was awful for me; I just seriously let go on Sunday.  No real exercise here, either.

I’ve decided to move my weekly blog posts to Mondays.  If I want to put an entry in there in between, I doubt anyone will care.

It’s time got back on it, I guess.  Weekends are hard because I have to deal with avoiding food that I make for my kids for lunches.  My roommate is trying to convince me to go paleo. But I’ve seen his grocery bill.  I just can’t afford it.  Plus my children would get no nutrition because I seriously doubt they’d like what is on paleo and hate to miss out on what isn’t.  Like losing milk and cheese.  Hell, I’d miss milk.

Up 3 pounds.  Gotta fix that.  Now.

Just Like Starting Over

Here I go again.

I'm blogging mostly for my Introduction to Cognition and Learning class - we have to write a blog post once a week about a behavior we want to change.  As always, I want to be smaller, so that's my behavior change, that being said, my instructor has to approve said behavior.  If he doesn't, I'll still try to remember to use this blog.  I deleted all my old entries - they were dated and irrelevant.  So yeah, here we go again.

I feel like a blob.  I have no idea how my husband can feel remotely attracted to me at this point.  I have lost a little bit of weight this past week, but I feel like it's just water weight; I still weigh 242.9 pounds.  For serious, people.  How the hell a 100 pound girl steadily gains enough weight to make it so she has to lose 142 pounds, I'm not sure.  Why 100 pounds?  I want to be back to where I feel good about myself.  I had very few self-esteem issues when I was thin.  Not to mention I have this small frame and small bones - my body is breaking down and my skeletal system just can't handle all of this extra weight.  Plus, running around at NERO is hard, man.

So my goals, as I've set them, are in stages.  I joined MyFitnessPal. It says I need to consume 1200 a day to lose 2 pounds a week, which is a completely healthy goal for weight loss.  Do I want to lose more than that?  Yeah.  But who knows what will come in the next few months?  It gives me a time frame of weighing 232 in 5 weeks.  That's 10 pounds.  I think that's reasonable.

So now, I'm consuming only the 1200 calories, trying to make it on the treadmill or the stationary bike for 30 minutes a day, at least for now.  I hope to move up in time and stamina and difficulty.  They say that if you don't go for at least a hour, then you're just maintaining weight as opposed to losing it.  I have weights in my garage, but I'm kind of afraid to go in there because we have rats.  Not normally afraid of rodents, but these are just disconcerting when you're up at 5 am trying to lift weights.

I'm also drinking 1/2 gallon of water per day at least.  I got a huge jug at work.

So, that's the long and the short of my newest blog post.  Just like John Lennon sang, "just like starting over".  It's time - I'm not getting any younger, and even if I didn't have the school assignment to do, I'd still be doing this - at least I hope so.

It's time.