Only the government BMI says I am. So, maybe I am. Who knows. I'm 5'4", I weigh 227 ( I lost .7 pounds from yesterday) so my BMI is out of this world. Not more than some women, but I still feel badly about myself.
As I said before, I've altered my shaping plan. I'm UNDER 1200 a day now, I'm hoping that will do the trick since the whole idea of the plan is to lose weight. And I have. And people say they can see it, but all I see in the mirror is this disgusting figure who will never be beautiful again.
Those people on Survivor don't get a lot of food and they lose weight. Who's to say that doing it myself won't help me lose weight? All bodies are different, after all. If I could, I'd go the entire dau without eating. I wonder how long I could go without no one noticing. After all, only one person reads - or will read - this blog. Jason doesn't even know about it, thankfully.
Yes, I could skip meals for a day, maybe two, maybe three - I did it in the Army because I was so afraid to gain weight I did nothing but dance and eat as little as possible (even though I was in Italy and sometimes indulged in the OMG good food they had there) and weighed at most 105 pounds. The Army beats into you that thin is good and if you gain weight they'll kick you out. I'm 5th generation military and was scared to death that I would get kicked out and humiliated.
However, no matter how much I would love to skip a whole day or more without eating anything to speed my weight loss process up and stay under my shaping plan's caloric cut-offs for the day, Jason would surely notice me not eating at night or on the weekends.
I'd start running again, but my joints and kneed can't handle it. Plus, I have nowhere to run - I live on one of the busier roads in Lilburn, and to add to that, I don't want people making fun of the fat girl running. No time to join a gym - I have work, I have school, Jason has school when I don't. There's just no time unless I get up at 4 to go to a gym down the street to get enough time to make it to the MARTA to get to work by 8 or earlier if I have to make up time. I do have weights but I'm afraid to do lifting and have it put weight on me, then I'll get discouraged and maybe even quit.
I feel stuck even though I've lost 30 pounds in total. I don't feel like I look any thinner at all. And that in itself is discouraging.
But don't worry about me - I'm still going to eat once a day, I'm just cutting out my calories during the day and eating at night. I probably won't go over my 1200 which is good, I suppose, but I'm planning on eating tonight.
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