The Ice is Getting Thinner

But I am not.

I've said it before but my shaping plan has gone awry and I really need to get back on track with that.  I will get back on it tomorrow and post more information tomorrow.

Can't We Try

This is a disaster.  A stupidly stupid disaster.  I wish I had more to say but I can't; I've been doing the shake only for lunch religiously but I go downhill on the weekends and some weeknights.

However, I'm still hovering around 231-233.  I feel appreciative of that.

Alphabet Soup

So, I was able to stay 150 under calories yesterday and I lost about a pound, which is good.  Maybe by next week I can lose all 3 I gained over the weekend and into the beginning of the week.

I'm trying really hard not to obsess over my weight.  I'm trying to forget and throw myself into school work type stuff.  And memorizing that stupid Oath of Nobility for NERO (the LARP I play).

Just Another Nervous Wreck

Not much to say today.  I missed my blog post on Monday, but I'm still within the week so I'm hoping this works.

I gained 3 pounds over the last 4 days.  Not too bad considering I've been eating horribly.  Haven't been sticking to this plan at all.  I either need to adjust this plan or I need to find a way to overcome my issues with the eating in the first place.

I'm back on the horse, as it were - I'm only drinking the shakes again and all of that, but once the weekend comes it's like all bets are off.  I have to really start working on that, better than I have been on the weekends.

Pithy Post Titles

I have forgotten to use them.  Stupid me.  Look, I'm just trying to make this interesting, okay?

At any rate, my weight is fluctuating.  I can totally see the correlation between what and how much I eat with gains or losses. I lost 2 pounds as of this morning - I'm back down to 230 (hey, don't judge, I know I'm heavy) and since I started this shaping plan/class project, I've lost 20 pounds, and since I started dieting before that, I've lost 27 pounds.  Which is good, right?  Only 120 to go.

I'm trying to get to 110.  I know it's a long way to go, right?  But I started at 157 amd I've lost some weight, so that's good.  I'm glad to not be in the 150s or even the 140s anymore.  To the people that say 110 is too small, they have to remember that I have this small frame and the extra weight is breaking my joints down.  My back hurts all the time because I am now so top heavy, if you get my drift.  I was 98 pounds when I joined the Army and I was 100 when I got out.  I wish I could go to 100 but my husband says he'll intervene at that point.

As for the shaping plan, which I think I should actually be talking about, I think it goes well sometimes and sometimes it doesn't.  Night before last I went over the 1250 which made me feel bad, but no one wanted to cook, so I had little alternative.  I ate dinner on my way home from class last night but I still stayed under 1250.  I guess I missed my mark this week by going over, so I can't go over this weekend.  Let's see if I can actually do it.

I don't even know if I'm doing this plan correctly.  I guess I should call Dr. Kelly and ask him if I am.  I think I'm supposed to be reinforcing the behavior (the 1250 calorie weight loss extravaganza) but I don't know if it's the 1250 I'm supposed to be staying under for the plan or the actual weight loss.  If it's the weight loss, I'm right on target; if not, and it's the calories vs. the reward of having a cheat day - well, I did fine last week but I can't say the ame for past weeks.  The haping plan itself didn't start until recently, so maybe I'm doing better than I thought.

Let's hope I get through the weekend without going over.  It's like The Price is Right - see how close you can get without going over!  Except the prize if you win is not being such a fat girl.  That's a nice price and all, but I don't know that I can keep up with this for the long haul.  I hope so.  I know I'll probably need more calories as I get thinner - if I get thinner - so I don't know how it'll go.  I'm almost afraid I'm going anorexic again, but I think you have to be thin to categorize that in that way.  I do know that I'm obsessing about what I eat and I feel guilty if I eat solid food more than once a day, which is rarely happening these days.  My weight is becoming an obsession and this probably wasn't the best topic for a behavioral modification plan.  But I don't drink, don't smoke (what do you do), I sleep well, I go to classes, I have very little vice in my life and I couldn't think of anything else.  I guess I just have to remember that I started trying to lose this weight before I got into this class and got handed this assignment.  All will be well.  As Lily Allen says, "everything's cool long as I'm getting thinner".  Problem is, I'm taking pictures pretty much every Friday, and I'm not seeing a marked improvement, except that I can no long wear 24s, which were too big to begin with by just a tiny bit, now they're trying to fall down.  Well, I guess that's something.  But I won't really be happy - at least I know in my heart I won't be - until I'm a size 1 or 3 again.  So much easier to buy clothes that aren't tent-like, mom-jeanish, or tall.  Everyone assumes big girls are also tall.  I am not.  So it's hard to find pants and while I can sew, I have no idea how to hem.

I should probably shut up now.  See you on Monday!

I gained 4 pounds.  I know it was because I ate REALLY badly this weekend - we had our 10 year anniversary and we went to Maggianos then sat on the roll out couch and watched "This is the End" with M&Ms and Cheerwine.  And he wanted WAHO, so off we went on Friday.

I can definitely now see the cause and effect of my eating.  I guess I'm just doomed to be always vigilant about what I eat lest I gain weight.

I don't know how well this shaping plan is coming along.  I caved and had coffee this morning, which means sugar, which means I can't track it.  I was way under calories yesterday - I had 805 left.  I know that's not good for me, but again, I've become obsessed with my weight, so I'm almost happy for the deficit.

I'm joining the company gym which should possibly offer some help.