I lost weight, putting me back at 227.3, which is nice.
I'm so tired. Jake is having depressive episodes, my husband wants me to stay home tonight, which isn't exactly feasible. Yes, we leave tomorrow night for NERO, I'll just have to pack after class. That is, if I don't have to stay home to deal with my child.
Se, Jake has severe depression issues, which is sad for an 11 year old. Apparently I'm the cause of it; I had to quit my research project because I wasn't spending enough time with him and he was depressed. Tonight is the only night of the week I could pick him up and have him but class is really important - but so is he, and I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Time heals most wounds
I got some disturbing news this week, which I won't go into. But the news has made me rethink how I feel about the situation. During Spring Break next year I will be seeing this person. I was tiny while we knew each other and it makes me - motivates me - to want to really be thin again - at least as thin as I can get in 4 months, I suppose. I'm not really doing it for this person, I'm still doing it for me, but it's another catalyst to get and keep moving.
It's pretty widely known that Jason has a girlfriend in Texas, in the same city as this old friend lives in. We get to see her too; I love her a lot and I really would like to be thin for her, too. Not that I'm trying to compete with her, that's not how our relationship is, with Jason and with her. But I would like to be pretty in case there's someone out there in Texas for me, too. Don't judge me too harshly, internets. I just feel like she can offer something to him that I can't, just as she offers something to me that he can't. And we come home still secure and happy, which is all that really matters.
So, now that I'm off that potentially embarrassing tangent, I gained a little weight over the last few days. I guess the daytime starvation thing wasn't really working, I'm not anorexic, I'm back to my shakes. Though today was the first day I'd had two in one day. This Adderall is also supposed to help with weight loss and appetite suppression, which may be good for me on the weekends and at night. Plus, Adderall is like a wonder drug for serious. I've never been able to focus like I am now. I just hope it's weight loss side effect is one that I experience.
Adding to all of this, Jason asked Don, our roommate to help him lose weight over the NERO break. Don says Jason is going to hate him, but I tell you that if it helps him lose then I'm happy. It's not an issue with attractiveness; I love Jason and I'm attracted to other attributes than physical ones. I just worry about his health. Adding to all this, I would really like to not have to buy two seats for both of us on the airplane when we do travel to DFW in the spring. Either that, or I have to drive.
I guess I should close until next entry, which may be next week or before that if something significant happens.
Happy trails, non-readers. And readers, if there's anyone out there actually looking at this.
It's pretty widely known that Jason has a girlfriend in Texas, in the same city as this old friend lives in. We get to see her too; I love her a lot and I really would like to be thin for her, too. Not that I'm trying to compete with her, that's not how our relationship is, with Jason and with her. But I would like to be pretty in case there's someone out there in Texas for me, too. Don't judge me too harshly, internets. I just feel like she can offer something to him that I can't, just as she offers something to me that he can't. And we come home still secure and happy, which is all that really matters.
So, now that I'm off that potentially embarrassing tangent, I gained a little weight over the last few days. I guess the daytime starvation thing wasn't really working, I'm not anorexic, I'm back to my shakes. Though today was the first day I'd had two in one day. This Adderall is also supposed to help with weight loss and appetite suppression, which may be good for me on the weekends and at night. Plus, Adderall is like a wonder drug for serious. I've never been able to focus like I am now. I just hope it's weight loss side effect is one that I experience.
Adding to all of this, Jason asked Don, our roommate to help him lose weight over the NERO break. Don says Jason is going to hate him, but I tell you that if it helps him lose then I'm happy. It's not an issue with attractiveness; I love Jason and I'm attracted to other attributes than physical ones. I just worry about his health. Adding to all this, I would really like to not have to buy two seats for both of us on the airplane when we do travel to DFW in the spring. Either that, or I have to drive.
I guess I should close until next entry, which may be next week or before that if something significant happens.
Happy trails, non-readers. And readers, if there's anyone out there actually looking at this.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Keep On Keeping On
So, this is the last blog post required by my class. Actually, I think the last one was.
I'm going to keep the blog. Someday, it'll be interesting to read back and see how I felt each step on my way. So the blog stays, even though no one except me will be reading it.
I gained a little weight and finally told Jason about the not eating during the day and I got a lecture on how this is a Bad Idea. So, I'll move back into my shake thing. Even though all I had for breakfast was super sweet coffee. CALORIES!
Weekends are the hardest. No one wants to cook. Well, not on the weekdays only. But it leaves Jason cooking all the time because I am at class when things don't go wrong (and this semester, they have been) and I'm really afraid that I'll fail this paper because my shaping plan did NOT work out like I meant it to. I gave in too many times, didn't watch what I was doing half the time and it wasn't because I wanted to not adhere to the plan, I really did. I just...I don't know. Maybe I just don't have the self-discipline I had when I was in the military. I gotta get that back somehow.
Like my title, I just have to keep on keeping on and keeping up with this. My dad has the diabetes, I had gestational diabetes while pregnant. I don't need to end up the same way, even though my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are fine (as learned when a full-fledged panic attack sent me to the hospital overnight because it was thought I was having a heart attack). I just need to be careful.
I'm going to keep the blog. Someday, it'll be interesting to read back and see how I felt each step on my way. So the blog stays, even though no one except me will be reading it.
I gained a little weight and finally told Jason about the not eating during the day and I got a lecture on how this is a Bad Idea. So, I'll move back into my shake thing. Even though all I had for breakfast was super sweet coffee. CALORIES!
Weekends are the hardest. No one wants to cook. Well, not on the weekdays only. But it leaves Jason cooking all the time because I am at class when things don't go wrong (and this semester, they have been) and I'm really afraid that I'll fail this paper because my shaping plan did NOT work out like I meant it to. I gave in too many times, didn't watch what I was doing half the time and it wasn't because I wanted to not adhere to the plan, I really did. I just...I don't know. Maybe I just don't have the self-discipline I had when I was in the military. I gotta get that back somehow.
Like my title, I just have to keep on keeping on and keeping up with this. My dad has the diabetes, I had gestational diabetes while pregnant. I don't need to end up the same way, even though my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are fine (as learned when a full-fledged panic attack sent me to the hospital overnight because it was thought I was having a heart attack). I just need to be careful.
Friday, November 8, 2013
I know I'm not morbidly obese
Only the government BMI says I am. So, maybe I am. Who knows. I'm 5'4", I weigh 227 ( I lost .7 pounds from yesterday) so my BMI is out of this world. Not more than some women, but I still feel badly about myself.
As I said before, I've altered my shaping plan. I'm UNDER 1200 a day now, I'm hoping that will do the trick since the whole idea of the plan is to lose weight. And I have. And people say they can see it, but all I see in the mirror is this disgusting figure who will never be beautiful again.
Those people on Survivor don't get a lot of food and they lose weight. Who's to say that doing it myself won't help me lose weight? All bodies are different, after all. If I could, I'd go the entire dau without eating. I wonder how long I could go without no one noticing. After all, only one person reads - or will read - this blog. Jason doesn't even know about it, thankfully.
Yes, I could skip meals for a day, maybe two, maybe three - I did it in the Army because I was so afraid to gain weight I did nothing but dance and eat as little as possible (even though I was in Italy and sometimes indulged in the OMG good food they had there) and weighed at most 105 pounds. The Army beats into you that thin is good and if you gain weight they'll kick you out. I'm 5th generation military and was scared to death that I would get kicked out and humiliated.
However, no matter how much I would love to skip a whole day or more without eating anything to speed my weight loss process up and stay under my shaping plan's caloric cut-offs for the day, Jason would surely notice me not eating at night or on the weekends.
I'd start running again, but my joints and kneed can't handle it. Plus, I have nowhere to run - I live on one of the busier roads in Lilburn, and to add to that, I don't want people making fun of the fat girl running. No time to join a gym - I have work, I have school, Jason has school when I don't. There's just no time unless I get up at 4 to go to a gym down the street to get enough time to make it to the MARTA to get to work by 8 or earlier if I have to make up time. I do have weights but I'm afraid to do lifting and have it put weight on me, then I'll get discouraged and maybe even quit.
I feel stuck even though I've lost 30 pounds in total. I don't feel like I look any thinner at all. And that in itself is discouraging.
But don't worry about me - I'm still going to eat once a day, I'm just cutting out my calories during the day and eating at night. I probably won't go over my 1200 which is good, I suppose, but I'm planning on eating tonight.
As I said before, I've altered my shaping plan. I'm UNDER 1200 a day now, I'm hoping that will do the trick since the whole idea of the plan is to lose weight. And I have. And people say they can see it, but all I see in the mirror is this disgusting figure who will never be beautiful again.
Those people on Survivor don't get a lot of food and they lose weight. Who's to say that doing it myself won't help me lose weight? All bodies are different, after all. If I could, I'd go the entire dau without eating. I wonder how long I could go without no one noticing. After all, only one person reads - or will read - this blog. Jason doesn't even know about it, thankfully.
Yes, I could skip meals for a day, maybe two, maybe three - I did it in the Army because I was so afraid to gain weight I did nothing but dance and eat as little as possible (even though I was in Italy and sometimes indulged in the OMG good food they had there) and weighed at most 105 pounds. The Army beats into you that thin is good and if you gain weight they'll kick you out. I'm 5th generation military and was scared to death that I would get kicked out and humiliated.
However, no matter how much I would love to skip a whole day or more without eating anything to speed my weight loss process up and stay under my shaping plan's caloric cut-offs for the day, Jason would surely notice me not eating at night or on the weekends.
I'd start running again, but my joints and kneed can't handle it. Plus, I have nowhere to run - I live on one of the busier roads in Lilburn, and to add to that, I don't want people making fun of the fat girl running. No time to join a gym - I have work, I have school, Jason has school when I don't. There's just no time unless I get up at 4 to go to a gym down the street to get enough time to make it to the MARTA to get to work by 8 or earlier if I have to make up time. I do have weights but I'm afraid to do lifting and have it put weight on me, then I'll get discouraged and maybe even quit.
I feel stuck even though I've lost 30 pounds in total. I don't feel like I look any thinner at all. And that in itself is discouraging.
But don't worry about me - I'm still going to eat once a day, I'm just cutting out my calories during the day and eating at night. I probably won't go over my 1200 which is good, I suppose, but I'm planning on eating tonight.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Loss
I lost .2.7 pounds in a day. That means I'm down to 227.3 - I haven't been in the 220s in as long as I can remember. This means that since I started my weight loss plan (not the shaping plan) I've lost 29.7 pounds and I have 117.3 left to my goal.
I've gone two days with eating noting during the day and taking in food/calories in the evening. I'm not really trying to hide my eating habits, but I don't want to worry Jason unnecessarily. I'm sure the dinner I'm eating makes up the 1200, but it's hard to judge and record calories when it's a recipe and some of the ingredients don't have caloric information.
I think the not eating during the day is really helping my shaping plan.
I've gone two days with eating noting during the day and taking in food/calories in the evening. I'm not really trying to hide my eating habits, but I don't want to worry Jason unnecessarily. I'm sure the dinner I'm eating makes up the 1200, but it's hard to judge and record calories when it's a recipe and some of the ingredients don't have caloric information.
I think the not eating during the day is really helping my shaping plan.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
I wonder
Can one be anorexic even if they're overweight? I can feel it creepy back up on me from when I was thin and on one hand, I kept weight off, on the other, I'm afraid of where this might go.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Looks Like We Made It
I made it through breakfast and lunch with no food at all. Let's see if I can make it through the rest of the evening with a minimal amount of such.
Can't exceed calories for a day if I don't consume any.
Can't exceed calories for a day if I don't consume any.
Everything's Cool As Long as I'm Getting Thinner
I have no idea if I read that right, but I think my scale said 226 today. That is amazing to me, especially since I haven't been eating well. I went to the scale on our 26th floor and it said 231, so who knows, that scale is always off.
I learned something - as long as I'm doing something to take my mind off it, I can eat nothing an entire day and not be fazed (sp). I wasn't hungry all day and wasn't hungry the day after, either. Which makes me wonder if I can get by not eating at all. Well, a little bit, but not a lot by normal standards.
I learned something - as long as I'm doing something to take my mind off it, I can eat nothing an entire day and not be fazed (sp). I wasn't hungry all day and wasn't hungry the day after, either. Which makes me wonder if I can get by not eating at all. Well, a little bit, but not a lot by normal standards.
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